Cloning Jesus Introduction and Chapter 1

Well, I'm posting this a tad early. I got into a writing fever, so decided to just go with it. I hope you guys enjoy; this is the beginning of my manuscript for Cloning Jesus. A 370+ page I hope to someday get published. It's a satire on modern Christianity. So take it with a grain of salt.

I last opened this book to edit it in 2009, but found I had run into a problem; I just kept adding and adding material, and it was derailing the manuscript. So I essentially locked it as it was, with the intent to pick it up again when perhaps I had either matured (I started this when I was 16) or had some idea on how to resolve this issue.

Well, I opened it again for the first time in 6 years and 6 months and 11 days now that I'm 25 and live in Israel. I figure it's a fitting location to finish the manuscript and begin working toward publishing it. I had forgotten it was so long, and this led to a kind of daunting shock. But then I began reading, and let's just say I began to remember how much fun I had with this story. 

I think you guys will too.

INTRODUCTION

            My name is Eric Nowell and I was born in 1966.  I went to Yale when I was seventeen years old and after I graduated, enrolled in the Harvard medical and graduate school, where I received my doctorate, all in only seven years.  I was hailed as a genius by my colleagues and professors.  I majored in Biology and did my graduate work on the structure of DNA and cloning processes.  Because of my research, I’ve often been called the pioneer of cloning, but in all honesty, my associate and partner Dr. Chris Goffell is more that than I am.

            I’m not going to lie, the story I have to tell is one you already know, but damn if I can’t admit it’s pretty weird. I suppose we should have realized it could have been nothing short of when we cloned Jesus Christ. But in the end it’s the truth, from one who was closest to Christ. Literally as much as one physically could have been. But as far as truth goes we each have our own role in deciding it for ourselves- all I can do is present my experience as honestly as possible.

            And boy, that story is incredible. But let me tell you about me before we get into the meat of things and what happened.

            I lived a good childhood, though entirely uneventful.  If you had ever told me that I would someday meet Jesus or that I would be responsible for his cloning, I would have laughed.  My parents weren’t religious, not in any sense at all.  They didn’t believe in fate or destiny. They believed life was what you made it and pushed me hard because of those beliefs.  That is probably why I am an atheist, why I call no religion my own.

            When I was young I smoked pot, got drunk and slept around.  It was fun, but not too much fun.  Some people, regardless of that, would say I’m cautious.  My parents thought I was reckless with my education, where I wasted my time even though I got my doctorate in a record amount of it.  I regret nothing today.  If given the chance, I would do it all again.  All that was achieved was by no means enabled by caution.  Brashness, courage, and yes, perhaps even the recklessness my parents once spoke to me of so long ago is what made it all possible.  What Dr. Goffell and I did, what we achieved, has been recorded in the annals of history.  I doubt we will ever be forgotten because of it.  A reward I think, in and of itself.

CHAPTER 1

“Of all the religions, the Christian should of course inspire the most tolerance, but until now Christians have been the most intolerant of all men.”

-Voltaire

(1694-1778)

            “Bill, it’s good to have you with us again,” Terry Blake on CNN started, the opening line for every person who has been on the network more than once.

            “Thank you, it’s good to be back here,” Bill Donahue replied and nodded his head, his double jowls jiggling slightly.  I was almost mesmerized by them, their movement nearly hypnotic. Age had not treated the man kindly after more than thirty years serving the Catholic League.

            The man welcomed back to the show, Bill Donahue, had been President of the Catholic League since 1993.  It is an American civil rights group for Catholics, which sounds good, even noble, until one realizes that they consider anything that goes against their beliefs to violate their civil rights, even if it doesn’t have anything to do with, or affect them in any way.  It is an odd organization that under Donahue has become most notable for attacking popular culture whenever it doesn’t align with their beliefs.  However, because Donahue is considered one of the most influential Catholics of the twentieth century, especially in America, and because of this he was there on air with the anchor.  We had personally requested that he be present to give a religious view on what we were about to do, and by request I mean insisted. Otherwise we would take our announcement elsewhere. One of the greatest of not only the 21^st century, but potentially millennium. Don’t blame me- It was Jesus’ idea. We had originally wanted to do this at a conference, but of course, he insisted we do it in this manner.

Bill Donahue didn’t know that though, believing instead that he had been invited to discuss a recent House legislative bill his organization had pushed through.

            “So it’s been four years since you were last here,” Blake cut in quickly.

            “Yeah with what’s his name... the ‘artist’ with that despicable, genitalia exposed chocolate statue of our Lord he made and called art...” Donahue struggled with the memory.

            “Cosimo Cavallaro,” Blake offered helpfully. Considering that had been over twenty years ago, even I was surprised how on his game Terry was.

            “Yeah, that loser,” Donahue commented condescendingly.

            Blake nodded politely at Donahue’s remark, considering whether or not to laugh. He didn’t entirely agree with Donahue’s view of the man and his odd art, but breaking the tension, Blake pushed on with the conversation. 

            “So in the fifteen years since last here, would you tell us about what gains have the Catholic league made?” he asked.

            Donahue smiled. He loved that subject.

            “I’m glad you ask.  We have managed to raise nationwide mass attendance by almost fourteen percent, and we also pushed through a bill that banned the teaching of evolution in Georgia last year, not to mention numerous movements such as having the bible used as a textbook for teaching science on evolution.”

            “An interesting piece of legislation, controversy aside, and one that has received national attention, correct?”

            “Well… I don’t know much about controversy. Children should know how things actually came to be as they are… About our lord, not that we are related to chimps. Yes,” Donahue concurred, putting particular emphasis on that word.

            “But don’t you think that both the bill and introduction of the bible in classrooms may have hindered student’s education, as well ignores their first amendment rights?” Blake asked cool as a cat, as if he’d rehearsed it a hundred times, which in fact he had.

            “You know, I get asked that a lot.  Do I think it ignores the first amendment?  No, not at all.  All we’re saying is if you won’t teach creationism alongside evolution or intelligent design, then give the student a chance to decide for themselves, unbiased, which is exactly what is being done for the students.  They were given a biased opinion on the matter and now we’ve made it unbiased.”  Donahue looked at Blake, his answer smooth as water on a fine calm day.

            “With… giving them Bibles?”

            “Yes.” Donahue responded.

            “But, ah, some might think of the those students who are Islamic, Buddhist or members of any of the other faiths the world offers-“

            “This also gives us a chance to let them see the truth and decide if that’s what’s best for them if their parents won’t”

            Blake raised his eyebrows at these words, and acted quickly to cut him off. Donahue sure loved his tirades, which had only gotten more pronounced with time. Give the man a pulpit and he’d probably speak over the Pope if possible.

            “But couldn’t one argue that the students were already being given a balanced perspective, seeing as their education is secular-“

“Pfah, secular.” Donahue retorted.

“-And thus unbiased toward any faith. And concerning those students who are Christian, consider most probably attend Church, and have already chosen God?  Wouldn’t the teaching of evolution arguably counter-balance that?” Blake asked, remaining as calm as could be.  You couldn’t tell from most of Blake’s reporting that he has a very negative view on fundamental Christians, but I’d met and discussed the issue with him prior to the show.  I guess you’d expect that view since his father is a rabbi though.

            “Well, no, I mean these teachers advocate that God doesn’t exist by teaching the filth.  Do I look like a monkey to you?” Donahue asked the news announcer.

            “No, of course not,” Blake answered as deadpan as possible. 

That would be a discredit to the primates, and chuckled at my own thoughts and leaned back in my chair as I continued to watch from the adjacent studio I was in.

            “And tell me Terry,” Donahue asked, using Terry’s first name to give the viewers the appearance that Blake and he were closer, better friends than they actually were. In fact, they had never spoken before this broadcast in their entire lives. The last time Bill Donahue had been on the show it had been hosted by a different anchor. Donahue was smooth alright, but in, I checked my watch, five minutes, the water’s about to get choppy, I thought to myself.

 Donahue continued his inane question, “Tell me Terry, do you look like a monkey?  Do any of the fine people you work with look like monkeys to you?”

            “Well I certainly hope I don’t, we pay the people who do our makeup quite a lot,” Blake replied.  I almost laughed aloud  at Blake’s response, who dipped his head as he prepared to speak again.

            “Legally though, is this bill viable?  When creationism was first brought into schools it was found to violate the Establishment Clause, an important part of the First Amendment.  The Supreme Court ruled it was illegal and if taught in schools, would mean the government was promoting one particular religion above others, violating the First Amendment.  The same was found for intelligent design, which, at least legally, is the same as creationism.”

            “Ah, that is true,” Donahue conceded.  How could he not? Fact was fact. “But laws do change upon time and review,” he continued. Touche, I found myself thinking, mildly surprised I found myself agreeing with him at least on that. Let’s hope they leave it be.

            “Are you prepared for the lengthy legal battle that will most likely ensue?”

            “Naturally,” Donahue scoffed, “we’re determined to make this bill law.”

            “How will you go about that?” Blake inquired, genuinely curious.  At what he said next, Donahue almost had a twinkle in his eyes.

            “Because if enough people complain, any law can be changed.  I’ve talked to rabbis and imams, and they agree with this bill.”

            “But wouldn’t it, if passed, essentially redefine the First Amendment, or at least make it particularly selective, thus undermining it?” Blake asked and Donahue nodded.

            “We’ll do what we have to, to stop the filth from being taught. If that means making sure the first amendment is treated as our founding fathers intended-”

            “I see, but I highly doubt our founding fathers had the support of intelligent design or creationism in mind, point in fact, they wrote the first amendment specifically because of such beliefs and how they had no part in anything to do with the government, which is what public schools do. But, you interpret it as you will I suppose.” Blake said disconcertedly.  He didn’t like what he heard one bit, but being on CNN and the news, he tried his best to be impartial and unbiased.  However, he, like the rest of the network, usually failed at that.

            Blake looked down briefly, shuffling a stack of papers on his desk. He looked back at Donahue, a bemused smirk on his face. Game time, I thought.

            “What is the Catholic League’s opinion on cloning, Mr. Donahue?” he asked as he looked up again, abruptly changing the topic and jumping it forward.  I could see he was already pointing the conversation in the direction it needed to go. Donahue looked caught off guard, obviously having not expected the question.

            “Well,” he started, blinking. “I obviously can’t speak for everyone in our organization, but I’d say that we are generally completely against it.  It is an affront to God and an abomination of human nature.  The Bible couldn’t be any clearer on that.”

            “But aren’t twins just nature’s way of cloning?” Blake asked countering coolly.  He in fact had a twin brother.

            “If you want to look at it like that, sure. But the difference between the two is that a twin is born from a mother with God’s will, while the other…” he trailed off, hesitating on how to phrase the rest of his thought, “-while the other is born in a metal and glass cylinder and grown like a plant.  It’s an abomination and it isn’t how God intended things to go and for us to act,” Donahue finished, quite triumphantly I might add.  He looked downright pleased with himself.

            “So you would say that a clone of a person is not the same as a human?” Blake continued, pursuing the topic.

            “Yes, yes I would,” Donahue agreed.

            “Why?’ Blake asked.  Donahue looked at him for a second before answering, considering his words.

            “Because clones don’t have souls.  Only humans do.  A clone is not a human, especially not in God’s eyes.”

            “So if we were to clone say, you, your clone wouldn’t have a soul?” Blake asked.

            “No of course not!” Donahue started. “There is only one soul that is William A. Donahue, and it’s in my body, and it’s already being used,” he said, smiling.

            “Now say we were to clone somebody such as Jesus, would the clone in that case have a soul?” Blake asked.  I could almost see the faint smile that I knew he wanted to wear.  He knew exactly where this conversation would go, and he knew that his place in the annals of human history was almost assured.  It was but moments away.

            Donahue’s smile faded and an ugly look crossed his visage, his jowls trembling ferociously.

            “Terry, I don’t like that question and I take offense to it,” he stated angrily.

            “My apologies-” Blake started but Donahue cut him off.

            “You should be sorry for a remark like that, asking a deliberately inappropriate question.  You should feel terrible,” he finished and the ugly expression on his face grew more severe.  Terry Blake looked away for a moment, then turned his gaze back to Donahue.

            “If you ever met a clone, what would you do?” he asked Donahue tentatively, who continued to glare angrily at him.

            “I would probably cross the street and get as far away from him as possible.” He finished.  I couldn’t help but think of the 1960s with that remark.

            “Well Mr. Donahue, on that note we have a surprise for you.” Blake said, suddenly sounding deservedly smug. I don’t know how Blake had kept quiet knowing what he was about to reveal. I suppose it had something to do with our confidentiality contract, but even that wouldn’t have held me back if I were in his position.

            “What surprise?” Donahue growled, suddenly finding himself nervous and not at all happy with where the conversation had taken a turn.  He had much preferred speaking about his vaunted bill and wondered vaguely if he should leave.

            Blake rotated his swivel chair to face a screen that was behind and above where they were seated. Throughout their exchange it had been showing nighttime photos of New York City.

            “Would you please welcome Mr. Jesus Christ the Second; the clone of Christ!” Blake announced, smiling, clearly to the viewers rather than the other who was with him.  I half expected there to be clapping as he announced it.  Too bad the room was empty save for himself, Donahue and the various cameramen and crew.  Blake had the look on his face of a child that had just found his pile of presents on Christmas morning and was undoubtedly thinking about what miracles this would do for his already good ratings.

            Donahue’s face turned bright red, “What is the meaning of this?” he cried out angrily, his face flushing to a dark purple.  He was cut off as the screen changed, and upon it was the kindly face of a Euro-Arabic looking man.  He had a distinctive nose, a thick head of lengthy brown hair that fell past his shoulders, and light piercing green eyes that looked directly at Terry Blake.

            “What’s up Mr. Blake, it’s good to be here,” he said in his fairly deep, though still musical voice.  In my opinion he coincidentally sounded quite a bit like Jeff Goldblum, but my colleagues have mostly disagreed with me on that. It’s a minor point of contention and disagreement, nothing more. In the end, Jesus always had his own unique voice. Donahue did nothing but stare at the man dumbfounded, unbelieving of the prank that he was sure was being played in front of his very eyes.

            And that was how the world got their very first look at the clone of Jesus Christ, on CNN with Donahue howling in outrage in the background, Terry Blake smiling coolly while Dr. Goffell and I watched. We both agreed it was one hell of a way to announce what we had achieved.